Relationship Triangles

Wikipedia says: “Systems theory is the interdisciplinary study of systems.” The systems theory concept holds that we can’t understand anything in isolation. We have to look at the connections. This is especially true in families, organizations and congregations, where emotional configurations involve three or more people. 

The psychological theory of a triangle speaks to systems thinking. The triangle represents a three-person emotional system. 

How do triangles occur? When two people have an issue that causes stress, they triangle in a third person to off-load their anxiety. The classic triangle is the husband, wife and mistress. The mistress is the third leg of the triangle that helps to diffuse the stress that the husband is feeling in his marriage. 

In a work situation, a triangle may appear as the boss, the employee and the boss’s boss. 

Why do we care about triangles? Triangles are the fabric of our social systems. As anxiety builds in relationships, it’s human nature to look to others who will support us during times of conflict. Therefore, we may initiate a triangle or we may be drawn into a triangle and not even realize what’s happening. 

Unfortunately, being part of a triangle usually doesn’t serve us well.  In fact, triangles prevent the original two people from dealing with their own problem(s). 

Learning to recognize when we’re caught in a triangle or when we’re creating a triangle is important.  To do this we must be able to look at the larger system and consider what’s in play. 

Once we’re aware of our position, we can consciously move differently, so that we’re not managed by the triangle. This offers us a greater sense of self and freedom as we navigate challenging emotional relationships in our personal and work lives.