The Irony of Not Discussing the Undiscussable
It may be more irritating than you realize.
Roger Schwarz, author of “Smart Leaders, Smarter Teams,” describes undiscussable issues as issues that are relevant to the task at hand but are believed to be undiscussable, because to openly discuss them may have a negative consequence.
Imagine that someone has made a commitment to stay in communication with you about an important situation but doesn’t follow through. You notice a consistent pattern of behavior with this colleague. However, calling it out may create defensiveness or negative feelings, so you avoid talking about the undiscussable issue, which in this case is a lack of follow through.
According to Schwarz: “By not discussing the undiscussable issue, I’m creating the negative effect I’m trying to avoid.” In essence, by not naming the undiscussable, i.e., lack of communication and follow through, I’m perpetuating the opposite of what I want to have happen and the cycle continues. I become more irritated and nothing changes. Ironically, I’m creating the negative effect I want to avoid.
Having a conversation and naming the undiscussable issue is the way forward. Of course, we want to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. First, we want to make sure that we’re correct in our assumption that there has been a lack of communication. Second, we want to make sure that we haven’t contributed to the problem. Once clarified, we can name what we’re experiencing and get agreement that this is an issue. At this point, there is an opportunity to design a solution that works for both parties and eliminates the issue.
A willingness to have difficult conversations disarms the irony of not discussing the undiscussable. In so doing our relationships become stronger, and we become more effective and less irritated.
